


Do You Love Someone?

by emmis_slemmis



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anger, Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Jeonghan is a bit of a dick, M/M, Pining, he doesn't mean to tho, i actually hate this, i think, internalised anger
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 02:56:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12448224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmis_slemmis/pseuds/emmis_slemmis
Summary: "Do you love someone, Joshua?""Yes."





	Do You Love Someone?

**Author's Note:**

> I was actually debating for really long whether to post this or not. This is really self-indulgent, and a lot of the time I got so into writing it that most of it probably doesn't make any sense. But it's literally been keeping me up at night, and it's been bothering me so much that I can't focus on writing anything else, so here you go!
> 
> Also, I've been copying sections from different documents, so the spacing may be a bit weird ^^

“Do you love someone, Joshua?” asks Hansol. His mind immediately goes to Jeonghan. To soft glances and delicate steps. To harsh words and brazen laughs. To sleepy eyes and pink lips. He thinks of how Jeonghan jokes with his friends. How he takes care of his youngers. Respects his elders. How he is seemingly unaware of Joshua’s entire existence.

“Yes,” he answers.

“Tell me.”

Joshua thinks. “I saw him today. The whole day, actually. At school. He was laughing. Not at me, though. His friends were saying something funny. I don’t remember what. I wasn’t listening, to be honest. I was busy, watching him. I watched him the whole day. During class. In the hallway. I watched him change in the locker room before P.E. I didn’t mean to, I swear. I just turned around, and there he was. He’s so beautiful, you wouldn’t believe. He seems lazy, he sleeps a lot, but just looking at him you wouldn’t think so. We’ve been in the same class for years. I’ve seen his body before, he’s never been shy about it. But it’s different now. It looks stronger. Bigger. And his skin. It’s so pale. And it looks soft, like satin.”

He’s about to keep going, but the look on Hansol’s face stops him.

  


 

Jeonghan sits to rows in front of him in biology. He has done for nearly a year now, and Joshua loves it, because he’s just at the perfect angle where Joshua can stare at him all through class without hurting his neck. He’s glad he has a lot of time to study, because, at this point, he doesn’t even really know what the teacher’s voice sounds like.

It’s easy to dismiss Joshua’s feeling for his classmates as something harmless, as nothing more than a high school crush, an infatuation for a pretty boy. Not only is it easy, it makes sense. He and Jeonghan can just barely be qualified as classmates, much less acquaintances. But although they’ve barely ever had a direct conversation, Joshua thinks that it’s more than that. Deep inside, he knows that although he doesn’t _know_ Jeonghan, per se, but having been in such close proximity to him for the majority of his life, he knows Jeonghan quite a bit.

He knows that Jeonghan can seem quite shy at first glance. Despite of his pretty face, Jeonghan often stays quiet if he’s not totally comfortable. He knows how Jeonghan really is nothing like that at all. That if he’s in a situation where he feels comfortable, Jeonghan can be loud, borderline brass.

He knows that it’s not a miracle how Jeonghan always for some reason gets the best grades, despite never visibly doing any work. Some people think he’s secretly a super genius. Some people think he’s having affairs with the teachers. He knows, because he once accidentally overheard a boy in the grade beneath them practically begging to do Jeonghan’s homework.

He knows that Jeonghan prefers hanging out with seniors, instead of people his own age. Why, he doesn’t know. But he thinks it’s cute.

What he knows about Jeonghan is usually what he thinks about during biology, as he admires Jeonghan’s neck and jaw. He also thinks about what he doesn’t know. What Jeonghan really feels. Is he really as confident as he seems? Does he know that he practically has the entire school wrapped around his finger? Does he realize that, two rows behind him, a poor boy in love is aching to know his every thought and ambition, his every disgust and affinity, every inch of his body?

He often daydreams while looking at Jeonghan. He dreams they’ll meet up after class, then they’ll kiss and walk home together. He dreams that Jeonghan will hold his hand and smile at him like he does at all the boyfriends and girlfriends Joshua has seen him with before. He dreams that Jeonghan will glow over him, shine beside him and squirm underneath him.

(Joshua may be a gentleman, but he’s still a teenage boy, after all.)

Of course, Jeonghan doesn’t notice. Throughout all the twelve years they’ve been classmates, he can’t recall a single time Jeonghan has talked to him on own initiative. It’s almost impressive, Joshua thinks. How Jeonghan has either stayed oblivious to his existence or merely chosen to ignore it for so long.

But it’s okay. Joshua is used to it by now, he’s come to terms with the fact that Jeonghan will never see him like he wants him to. Will probably never see him at all.

 

 

 

Biology drags on more than usual, it feels like. Joshua nearly falls asleep multiple times during the lesson, even Jeonghan viciously doodling in his notebook isn’t enough to keep him keen. Joshua scolds himself for staying up much later than usual last night. For sleeping late this morning, for not having the time to eat breakfast or shower this morning. He makes a mental note not to buy new video games on a school night in the future.

He’s slow, sluggish in his movement, as he grabs his things and gets ready to leave the classroom. Someone stops, right in front of him, and suddenly Joshua is wide awake.

Jeonghan is standing in front of his desk, hands behind him and his back straight. His lips are curled into a grin that makes him look more mischievous than anything, especially with the way his eyes are opened wide, an attempt at looking innocent, probably. Jisoo is still struck, though, still taken aback by Jeonghan’s beauty. How his cheeks are slightly flushed from the cold outside, and how the sunlight falls perfectly to form a halo around his head.

He wants to say something, to greet Jeonghan like they’re old pals and say something sassy. Something that will make Jeonghan think he’s cool. Finally, he’s presented with the opportunity to talk to Jeonghan. He better make it worth it.

But he stays silent, because he is too shocked that Jeonghan’s standing there, that he has approached Joshua. He’s speechless.

Jeonghan doesn’t seem to mind his silence as he merely keeps smiling and nods towards the classroom door. Jisoo stares after him, gaping as he walks away. What was that?

He realizes a second too late that Jeonghan wants him to follow, and shoots out of his seat faster than he would like to admit. Jeonghan is waiting for him in the hallway when he gets outside, arms crossed over his chest and leant against the wall. He smiles when he sees Joshua.

“Hi,” Jeonghan grins at him, pushing away from the wall. There are big windows covering one side of the hallway, and Joshua can’t tell if it’s the sunlight or Jeonghan that’s blinding him.

“He-y.” His voice breaks, and _oh God_ , he wants to _die_. It’s the first time, _ever_ , Jeonghan has spoken directly to him (at own initiative, of course), the first time all his attention is centered at _Joshua_ , and Joshua’s voice fucking _breaks_. If he’s not totally wrong, there should be a shovel in the janitor’s closet he could use to dig himself a hole in the grass outside.

Jeonghan clears his throat, snapping Joshua out of his fantasy. “I want to ask you for a favor.”

Once again, Joshua is dumbfounded. What in the world could Yoon Jeonghan need from him? Homework? He probably has millions of people doing all his studying for him already. An errand? But wouldn’t he rather ask one of his friends for that? Joshua’s blank.

“What is it?”

Jeonghan hesitates. He looks uncomfortable, eyes cast to the ground and bottom lip caught between his teeth. He must be in need of something big, because in all of the years Joshua has been admiring him from afar, he can not recall Jeonghan ever being this hesitant to ask for something. Hell, usually it’s no more difficult for him than simply crying out for what he wants, and nearly everyone in the vicinity will be lining up to help him.

Jeonghan looks up again, eyes clear and a smile that’s sweet and probably meant to be as convincing as possible, and _fuck_ , if it isn’t.

 

“Will you have sex with me?”

 

Joshua can’t breathe. He can swear he woke up this morning, that this is real, but at the same time, he doesn’t really want it to be. And it’s strange, because this is what he has been dreaming of for so long, for _years_. But now, now that Jeonghan is actually standing there, is talking to him, is saying _that_ , it’s way more terrifying than he could ever imagine. Because he has imagined it, as embarrassing as it is to admit. He has imagined Jeonghan calling for him, asking for him, _begging_ for him. He has imagined him, on his knees, on his back, in his lap. They have definitely not been his proudest moments, the times he has had pictures of Jeonghan in… _compromising_ positions in the back of his mind. Maybe in the front of his mind.

It’s like getting an A in math; something he has always hoped for, but has never thought would actually happen. And he doesn’t know how to respond. He wants to say yes. Every single cell in his body is urging him to say yes, to agree, to accept. This is everything he has ever wanted. Everything he will ever want.

 

“Wh-what?”

  
This time, he doesn’t bother worrying over his stutter. That’s not important. What’s important is what Jeonghan says next, how he will explain himself.

Jeonghan shrugs, and deflates a little bit. Did he really expect Joshua to just go along with this straight away?

“Aren’t you gay? Weren’t you dating that guy… What’s his name again?”

“Minhyun?” Joshua supplies.

Jeonghan snaps his fingers. “Minhyun, right.”

As shocked as Joshua is that Jeonghan not only has noticed him before today, but also knows he has dated someone, he’s still very much hung up on why in the world he wants to sleep with him.

“I-I’m sorry, I’m a little lost.”

Suddenly, Jeonghan lights up a bit.

“You know Lee Minhyuk, right? The senior?”

Of course Joshua knows Lee Minhyuk. Senior, athletic, great singer, absolutely gorgeous. You’d have to have lived under the sea not to, he’s one of the most popular boys in their school. Not to mention, he and Jeonghan are really close, like, _really_ close. Always next to each other, always finding excuses to touch each other. If it wasn’t for the reliable source of high school gossip, Joshua would have thought they were dating.

“Well, it’s his birthday in a couple of weeks, and he’s having this party, right?”

Joshua knows about the party. As far as he knows, he’s not invited.

“Anyway, we’ve been kind of low-key flirting for a while, and I think something might happen this Saturday, if you know what I mean.”

It’s not the first time he’s heard of Jeonghan being with other people, and he knows he doesn’t have any reason to, but there’s a lump forming in Joshua’s throat all the same.

“So, I wanted to ask if you could, like, help me get to know what I’m getting into, or something!”

Joshua blinks.

 

“You want me to take your virginity?”

 

It’s something Joshua can’t wrap his head around; twelve years of never giving even the smallest hint of being aware of Joshua’s existence, twelve years of admiring from afar, and suddenly, there is Jeonghan, asking him to do the very thing that has seemed so intangible he has barely dared to even dream of it. It almost makes him angry, how Jeonghan seemingly thinks he can just spring something like this on him this way.

“Yeah, I guess,” Jeonghan shrugs, like it’s no big deal. Joshua wants to scream him in his face, wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, because it _is_ a big deal. It’s something that has been too wild for Joshua’s wildest dreams, something that Jeonghan just assumes he’ll agree to just like that.

“Okay.”

 

 

 

 

 

Joshua comes home later than usual. His mother is understandably worried when he misses dinner, even more so when he doesn’t say why.

That night, Joshua can’t sleep. He twists and turns, tries lying on his back, on his side. He kicks off his duvet and drags it back over himself. The whole day, save from the conversation he had with Jeonghan, seems to have passed in a blur.

He finds that he can’t stop thinking about what Jeonghan asked him. The image of Jeonghan’s innocent smile is the only thing he can see whenever he closes his eyes, the eagerness in his voice the only thing he hears.

Suddenly, he can’t breath. He’s overwhelmed with emotion, unsure of what he should feel. Instead he feels it all. Anger, joy, sadness. And yet, he feels none of it. Like colors that blend together to form shapeless brown, he feels no more than the unbearable sensation of being lost.

He brings up a hand to rub away some of the wetness on his cheek. He’s not even sad. Not so that he can feel it, anyway. It just so much. His brain is racing at a hundred miles per hour, trying to process everything. It’s insufferable; he feels helpless. Like he’s falling down a dark hole, like he’s walking against a wall.

It’s almost a relief when his phone lights up on his bedside table, a welcome distraction. Until he sees who it is who has messaged him, anyways. Then it fills him with dread.

**Jeonghan**

Come to my place next Wednesday at seven?

_23.37_

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

It’s something he should start getting used to, Joshua supposes, expecting the unexpected. It’s seems a skill that will start getting more and more useful for him in the future, if the last two days have something to say.

First thing in the morning on Tuesday, he’s greeted with Jeonghan’s smiling face. It shocks him, no doubt, as it’s entirely unprompted and right next to him. It would fill him with glee when Jeonghan bids him a good morning, in a voice matching his grin. It would fill his stomach with a flutter and dust his cheeks with a blush, both of which would feel awfully familiar, yet exhilaratingly foreign.

In a way, it still does. But there’s something else as well. There’s an underlying fear, a black hole in his stomach that only grows bigger and more succulent for every second that passes. It starts in his abdomen, right behind his belly-button, and grows and grows and grows, until it’s swallowing his heart and his thoughts, replacing them with nothing but empty space.

 

 

 

“Minhyuk’s party is next weekend. You should come,” Jeonghan says as they’re walking home from school on Thursday. Joshua’s house is actually in the other direction, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell when Jeonghan asked to walk together.

Honestly there are a million thing Joshua would rather do than attend Lee Minhyuks party.

“I don’t think I’m invited,” he says instead, and hopes it’s good enough.

“I’ll talk to him, don’t worry about it,” Jeonghan shrugs.

“I don’t drink.”

“Well, I _do_ ,” Jeonghan tilts his head to look at him, “And I sometimes do stupid shit when I’m drunk. I could use someone there to take care of me.”

Joshua scowls. “Can’t some of your friends do that?”

“You _are_ one of my friends!” Jeonghan protests, and Joshua blushes. “Come on, please.”

Joshua thinks about it. Deep down, he really doesn’t want Jeonghan to be anything but safe and happy. And from what he has seen from his friends, they may be older, but they’re not responsible. 

“Fine.”

 

 

 

It’s dark already when Joshua arrives outside Jeonghan’s house at six thirty Wednesday night. He’s technically not supposed to be here before seven, but, according to his assumptions, he will need about half an hour of pacing at the front door before he’s gathered enough courage to knock. It’s cliché, he knows, but it’s not like he can just go up there straight away!

As if this situation isn’t terrifying enough in itself, the fact that Joshua has spent more than a week dreading it and building it up in his head only makes it so much worse.

As he’s pacing around in Jeonghan’s driveway, fingertips freezing and toes numb, too distracted by the internal pep talk he’s giving himself, urging him to just _do_ it already, to hear the door open and someone stepping outside.

“Joshua?”

He jumps, actually jumps, in the middle of psyching himself up, at the sound of his name. Behind him stands Jeonghan, he sees as he turns around, barely illuminated in the blue light of his phone. His hair is wet and he’s carrying a plastic bag, probably garbage.

For some reason, all the courage he has spent fifteen minutes building up drains from his body. The moment he sees Jeonghan, the shock on his face, every cell in his body tells him to turn away. His mind tells him to stop, that he can’t do this. that he shouldn’t do this.

“H-Hey,” Joshua stutters, face burning in shame.

Jeonghan locks his phone and walks past him, towards the garbage can and throws in the bag. Joshua doesn’t know if he should worry more about Jeonghan being cold in only a thin t-shirt and joggers, or about himself actually imploding from embarrassment at being found by his crush, stalking outside said crush’s house.

For a second, Joshua swears that Jeonghan looks almost as scared as himself. He looks clueless, strangely vulnerable. It almost serves to make him feel just a little bit better. But when Jeonghan is suddenly right in front of him again, he’s got a playful grin on his lips and a mischievous spark in his eyes, and Joshua feels more terrified than ever.

“You’re early,” he states, and Joshua doesn’t know what to do but nod.

Oh, how he wishes he had thought this through to have a good excuse.

“Yeah.”

Jeonghan just looks at him for a minute, stares into his soul really. “Let’s go inside. I’m freezing.”

The inside of Jeonghan’s house looks very much like the outside: grand and expensive, shiny and almost completely white. It’s nothing new to Joshua; after nearly twelve years of basically pining after Jeonghan, Joshua had seen his house more than a couple times. Not because he’s been stalking him, or anything. But because ever since they were little, Jeonghan has always thrown huge parties, everyone-invited-style, whether it be for his birthday or something else. Joshua has tried to make sure to come to every single one, and has succeeded with only a handful missing.

Joshua hangs his jacket on a black coat stand, one of the stark contrast to the otherwise pristinely white room. He’s careful as he kicks off his shoes as well, for some reason feeling like if he’s being to forceful it could tear the entire house down. As he stands up Jeonghan is still bent over to undo his own shoelaces and Joshua _really_ tries his best not to stare.

He doesn’t really know what to say when Jeonghan stands up and again gives him his attention. His mind races, trying to come up with something he can say to lighten the mood, make Jeonghan more comfortable, let him go home, _anything_.

“Do you want something to drink?” Jeonghan asks, just as the silence starts getting awkward.

 

“Sure.”

 

A couple of minutes later, and he’s sitting in Jeonghan’s kitchen, drinking on his tap water and regretting agreeing to this. One part of him, the one than likes to stay optimistic, had thought that, for some reason, it would be different; more loose, more natural. Like they would have some kind of instant chemistry, or something. But, as it turns out, they don’t. The only thing there is is Joshua, Jeonghan and an awkward silence.

 

Jeonghan stares at him as he drinks, he can feel it on the side of his head. It doesn’t exactly help him in his regret either, to put it mildly.

 

It’s weird, because it’s almost like all of Jeonghan’s usual confidence has suddenly disappeared. Jeonghan has, through all the years Joshua has been admiring him, never had trouble with dissolving awkwardness. He’s always seemed to have the perfect words ready for every situation.

 

Joshua pauses from his sipping to look up at him. “Aren’t you going to get something?”

Jeonghan’s eyes clear, like he’s just waking up from a day dream, and he shakes his head. Joshua would have expected him to smile, but weirdly enough, Jeonghan looks just as unsure as himself.

Neither of them say anything as Joshua keeps sipping on his water and Jeonghan keeps staring holes into the side of his head. Sadly, a glass of water doesn’t last forever, and Joshua soon will have nothing left to try to distract himself from the awkwardness between him and Jeonghan, the one he’s been crushing on for the better part of twelve years, and he who has asked him to come to him house so they can have _sex_. Yep. Definitely a bad decision.

The last drop of water disappears from the glass, and Joshua knows he has to swallow it. He does, and puts the glass in Jeonghan’s sink as well. He doesn’t want to leave a mess.

“Should we… Ehm…” Jeonghan clears his throat, and Joshua looks over at him. “Do you want to head upstairs?”

Joshua knows what _heading upstairs_ means, and blushes when he agrees. This is it, he thinks. Time to get it over with.

Because, as he stands in Jeonghan’s kitchen, mentally preparing himself for having _sex_ with Jeonghan, he realizes that that’s just what it is. Something temporary. Something to be done with.

One would think that after fantasizing about this for so long he would be _so_ ready for this, so hyped to finally get to. But he’s not. Not in the slightest. Because this is nothing like what he has been fantasizing about, what he has imagined. No, in his dreams, there would be no deadline, no party, no Lee Minhyuk. In his fantasies, Jeonghan would be head over heels for _him_. This wouldn’t have been only the second time they had talked. They would have been dating for months, or maybe just for weeks, and it wouldn’t have been scheduled like this. It would be _spontaneous_ and _romantic_. They would have been watching a movie, or eating a delicious meal, or standing outside his door after Jeonghan had walked him home from a fantastic date. And he would have kissed him, so sweet and so chaste and so innocent, but then it would have turned so _deep_ and so _needy_ and so _hot_.

But that’s not going to happen. And in his current position, Joshua realizes that he can’t really afford to be greedy. He can wish all he wants, but he can’t ask Jeonghan for something he won’t get. So he follows Jeonghan upstairs, ready to accept with open arms anything he has to offer.

“Is this your room?” Joshua asks as Jeonghan leads him into a bedroom. Despite how many times he has been to Jeonghan’s house, he has never actually dared to go into his room. It always seemed off-limits, somehow. Now that he’s here, though, it’s a bit underwhelming. Same pristine white and clean surfaces as the rest of the house, with very little personality. Only a bed, a closet with mirrored doors and a desk with what is probably a really expensive laptop.

Joshua notices that Jeonghan has some condoms and a bottle of lube set out and ready on his bedside table. Alright. Nice that he’s prepared.

Jeonghan nods and sits down on the foot of his bed. Joshua is unsure if he should too. Probably. But he doesn’t.

It seems like Jeonghan wants him to, though. Maybe he, too, just wants to get this done and over with. He scoots upwards on his bed, closer to the pillows, and Joshua knows that’s about as obvious of an invitation he’s going to get.

He situates a knee on the mattress and leans all his weight on it. He’s suddenly so close to Jeonghan, only centimeters away from his face. Jeonghan’s eyes are closed, like, really _squeezed_ shut, and Joshua wonders if he’s scared. He would be. Not only is Jeonghan about to have sex for the first time, he’s also about to lose his virginity to a boy he’s spoken to not even three times. It’s almost so that Joshua doesn’t want to do this. Joshua almost feels guilty. It’s almost like he’s taking advantage of him.

But then Joshua knows that it’s not like that at all. If anything, it’s Jeonghan who’s taking advantage of _him_. Taking advantage of his feelings for him only to use him as practice for someone else.

Even so, Joshua can’t bring himself to be resentful. It’s not like he knows, after all.

His lips burn when they touch Jeonghan’s. Like a thousand tiny torches have all at once touched by his skin and electricity surges through his veins. For a moment, Joshua forgets all about the situation he’s in. For a moment, everything is as it should be. It’s only he and Jeonghan; no party, no Lee Minhyuk, no unrequited feelings.

Although he might not look it, Joshua is not unfamiliar with taking charge. He did it a lot when he was dating Minhyun, actually. There’s something he loves about being able to give someone pleasure, loves to be begged for it.

He’s between Jeonghan’s legs, halfway standing on his knees and halfway leaning on his arms on either side of Jeonghan’s hips. Jeonghan easily lets Joshua push him onto his back and opens his mouth when Joshua licks his lips. He lets Joshua slip his hands under his sweater and grips on Joshua’s shoulders. His hold is maybe a little bit _too_ firm, Joshua thinks. But it only tightens when he tries to pull away, so he accepts it.

However, when Joshua places his hands on Jeonghan thighs and slides them upwards, feeling the firm muscle and the warmth of his skin even through his jeans, Jeonghan starts shaking. Not like shivers or massive spasms, but like he’s tensed so hard his muscles are running low on oxygen. He’s stopped kissing as well, Joshua notices. He hasn’t pulled away, but his lips are only limply touching to Joshua’s own.

“Jeonghan,” says Joshua when he finally manages to part them, “Stop.”

Jeonghan doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even open his eyes. They’re squeezed tightly shut, just like before, and Joshua is inclined to think they have been this entire time. He brushes a lock of hair behind Jeonghan’s ear.

“You know, we don’t have to do this,” he says, even though he wants to. He wants to keep going, to be close to Jeonghan in that way. In any way.

More than that, though, he wants for Jeonghan to feel good. He wants him to feel safe and happy with Joshua; he wants him to want to be with him.

When Jeonghan’s eyes finally flutter open, there’s a vulnerability in them that Joshua, through twelve years of watching him, has never seen before. Not with his friends, not with Lee Minhyuk, not with anybody.

“It’s okay if you want to stop,” Joshua continues, and moves his arm to support him so they’re not as close. Jeonghan looks to the side and bites his lip, and Joshua doesn’t think he can get a clearer sign to move away.

In one motion, he moves himself away from Jeonghan, opting instead to sit beside him. Jeonghan sits up straight as well, and Joshua makes sure to keep his eyes trained to the wall in front of him.

“Maybe I should go,” he says, so quiet it’s nearly a whisper. Although he’s trying his best not to look directly at him, he can sort of see Jeonghan in his peripheral, nodding his head and looking at him. He’s looking at him the same way he did just earlier, where Joshua can practically _feel_ holes in his head.

They walk in silence to the front door, and Jeonghan keeps staring at him the entire time, even as he’s slipping on his jacket and tying his shoelaces. Only when Joshua is halfway out the door does Jeonghan grab his sleeve and makes him look him in the eye.

“You don’t have to leave,” he says. It’s hesitant, and Joshua doesn’t dare do anything but look at him with the same blank expression he has been wearing since they stopped.

“It’s dark out. You can stay the night. If you want.”

When they kiss for the second time that night, all of Joshua’s regrets go away. Something in the shakiness in Jeonghan’s lips as they touch his makes him suddenly so sure in what he’s doing. It makes it feel a little bit more right. Because he does truly believe that Jeonghan, more than anyone, deserves for his first time to be with someone who loves him.

 

 

 

When Joshua wakes up the next morning, it’s in Jeonghan’s bed. His clothes are on the floor and his thighs ache. It’s takes a moment for him to process the memory of what happened last night when he grows aware of Jeonghan’s bare skin against his own.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The walk from Jeonghan’s place to school is hell. They don’t walk together, because Joshua hadn’t woken Jeonghan up when he did, terrified of a possible confrontation. What happened last night is still a blur. All he remembers that it felt _so_ good; kissing Jeonghan, touching him, and Jeonghan touching him back just as eagerly. He can’t recall exactly what, but something had happened between their first and second try had filled Jeonghan with the confidence he had been missing, the confidence that comes so naturally to him. He remembers that, last night, it had seemed like such a good idea.

This morning, though, when he woke up, he had been filled with instant regret. It chafes on his insides as he walks in half-dark down a road he just barely remembers. His clothes smell of yesterday’s sweat, since he didn’t think to bring change last night.

But no matter how much he regrets it, what a bad idea it was, Joshua can’t deny that if he could go back to that moment, he would.

 

 

 

Hansol doesn’t go to his school, so Joshua has no choice but to suffer his way through the day alone. It’s not too bad, it helps somewhat to get his mind of Jeonghan; he’s not at school, and Joshua can in peace focus on what they’re supposed to be learning. It gets worse at lunch.

It’s October, and just cold enough for outside to be uncomfortable, and everybody is forced to choke down their way-below-regular-standards-of-cafeteria-food inside. Joshua curses himself for not charging his phone before he left Jeonghan’s. Laughter brakes out from the table Jeonghan usually sits at, and without it being anything new, it makes Joshua look up. It’s not that interesting, turns out. With nothing to distract himself, he can’t stop his mind from wandering back to last night, no matter how he tries.

It seems almost impossible, the more he thinks back to it, what happened last night. Like it didn’t happen. Like he didn’t wake up in Jeonghan’s bed this morning, naked and pressed against his back. Like he didn’t know Jeonghan was only pretending to be asleep as he left for school.

Strangely enough, it doesn’t hurt as much as he had feared. Rather, he feels numb. Like he’s walking around in a thick fog, unable to see what’s behind or in front of him. He feels at a distance, like the chatter in the cafeteria is a mile away, and like the food he’s eating isn’t really touching his tongue. At times like this, it really hits him how alone he is. He doesn’t usually notice, because he usually doesn’t have to; he usually doesn’t mind. It’s not like he often has anything to talk about. Now, though, he could really use a friend. Someone to sit with him at his lunch table and listen to all his troubles and doubts. It’s been a while since he last felt like this, downtrodden and blank like this, and he recalls the last time, when Minhyun was the one who got his mind off it.

He doesn’t speak much with Minhyun anymore, since they broke up. They greet when they see each other in the hallways, and he likes his profile pictures on Facebook, but they don’t speak like they used to. When he thinks back, he thinks that maybe they didn’t really have much to talk about back then either. Sure, they were dating, but as time goes by, Joshua is starting to realize that it was maybe more of a puppy-love-courtesy-relationship than a real one.

He recalls crushing hopelessly on Minhyun for months back in ninth grade, back when he’d just gotten over the realization that Jeonghan would never know him as more than another anonymous face in the crow. He had moved past being crushed, was then more numb than anything, and there was Minhyun, with foxy eyes and caring words. Minhyun had only started their school that year, and Joshua, who had been blinded by sorrow for months, had used Minhyun as a coping mechanism in a way, a mean to show himself he could move on easily.

After not too long, they had started talking, texting and hanging out. Soon, Minhyun would be waiting outside his classrooms after every class, ready to walk him to where he needed to be next, whether it be another part of school or home. It didn’t take long before they were dating, and Joshua became the most popular he’s ever been, as part of the only gay couple in their school. However, when his and Minhyun’s courtship ended, right after summer vacation, the popularity did too, and Joshua was again invisible.

He stares at Minhyun, where he sits with his friends – he can’t remember most of their names, to be honest - in the incredibly dull cafeteria. They’re talking animatedly with each other, and Minhyun laughs loudly at something the guy to his right said. Joshua cocks his head. A piece of him wants to go over to Minhyun and talk to him, get back that sensation of reassurance and ignorant bliss he felt when they were together. But he knows that he won’t.

Minhyun notices his staring, however, right before the bell rings for fifth period, and he sends Joshua a smile that, although probably unbeknownst to him, nearly overwhelms Joshua with how much it makes him feel better. It’s not like he misses Minhyun a lot, no; he misses the way he felt when they were together.

 

 

 

On Friday, Jeonghan is back at school. Although they don’t share first period, Joshua spots him as he walks to his locker, once again chatting with Lee Minhyuk with a flirty smile on his face. Joshua can feel him noticing him, but keeps his eyes locked to the ground anyway.

It’s not like he expects them to go back to how they were before. After what happened between them, how could they? Of course, he doesn’t want them to either. But when he’s grabbing for his science book in his neatly organized locker and he feels Jeonghan’s gaze on the back of his head, it seems almost desirable. He realizes to himself that maybe it would be easier that way, for Jeonghan to go back to ignoring him and for himself to go back to not having to constantly worry about being confronted.

It’s not like he doesn’t want Jeonghan to talk to him; It’s what he’s wanted for so long, after all. However, after the night they spent together, he’s terrified of what Jeonghan might say.

They do share second period, however, and while first goes pretty well, with Joshua concentrating about his work, second period proves to be more of a challenge. Jeonghan’s seat is two rows behind his own, and Joshua can, throughout the entire hour, feel Jeonghan’s eyes at the back of his head, staring him down. Joshua considers for a moment if he should buy Jeonghan eye drops, what with all the staring he’s been doing lately.

Sixty minutes later, when the bell dismisses them, Joshua scrambles to gather his things and get out of there as fast as possible. He’s not fast enough, though, as Jeonghan is soon in front of him, hands clasped behind his back and a friendly smile on his face.

“Have lunch with me?”

Joshua blinks. Of all the things Jeonghan could have said, this is last he would expect. Maybe ask him to forget everything, tell him he regrets it or even yell at Joshua for leaving before he woke up.

That morning, Joshua had decided to avoid Jeonghan. After careful consideration, he had decided that that’s what’s best. For him, for his feelings. He had decided not to be rude, but to politely decline potential offers at spending time together, favors Jeonghan may ask of him and to ignore all attempts at conversation, as well as the eyes, piercing into his back.

But then again, Joshua hadn’t taken into consideration how irresistible Yoon Jeonghan is.

He briefly lets his mind wander. What does Jeonghan want? The be friends? To humiliate him? One tiny part in the back of his brain pipes up with a maybe he’s finally realized his feelings for you? But he shakes his head, because that’s stupid. The thought gets immediately discarded, anyway, as soon as he sees Lee Minhyuk waving at Jeonghan from the table they’re walking towards.

And, just like that, he finds himself at Jeonghan’s lunch table, in the middle of the cafeteria. Jeonghan’s friends, he’s known for a while, are all seniors. While Jeonghan fits right in, Joshua can’t help but feel like he’s way to small to be sitting there, even more so as he hunches his back and keeps his eyes set on the food in front of him. He feels so out of place, like everyone can see him, is watching him.

He’s honestly not very interested in socializing with Jeonghan’s friends, either. However much he doesn’t want to give into clichés, he has to say that they’re the kind of typical popular kids you always see in movies. All mysteriously good looking and bearing shallow conversations about how many parties they’ve attended and how many times they’ve gotten black-out drunk.

“How come Jeonghan’s never introduced you before, Joshua? If you’ve known each other for so long, I mean,” one of Jeonghan’s friends ask him, a big, burly guy who Joshua swears he saw him walk into a wall one time.

Everybody turns their eyes to him, even Jeonghan, who’s sitting so close together with Minhyuk, he might as well be sitting on his lap. Joshua decides he doesn’t want to look at them.

Joshua gulps. _Everyone_ is looking at him; the girl with red hair he used to stare at last year, the boy he knows is dating her. _Jeonghan_. He suddenly feels way to hot, and his head feels airy. His mouth tastes of blood and his jaw is quivering and he can’t feel his hand and suddenly his heart is beating _way to fast_ -

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” he croaks as he uses his hands to push himself up and away from the table. At least he tries to, he has no idea if what’s coming out of his mouth is understandable at all. But he doesn’t really care as he speed walks out of the cafeteria, tears clouding his vision.

There’s a bathroom pretty close by. There are a couple people there already, chatting about everything unimportant and checking themselves out in the mirror. He finds an empty stall pretty quick, and wastes no time in locking the door. Once it’s properly closed he sits down on the toilet lid, buries his face in his palms and sobs. He should care about people hearing him, but it really doesn’t feel important as he heaves for air, alone in a public bathroom stall.

He’s not sure how long he is there for, but at some point he’s pretty sure that he’s the only one in the bathroom. Maybe everyone else cleared out after hearing him crying.

He’s stopped crying now, and has calmed down quite a bit. The bathroom door opens, and he tenses with the sound of footsteps coming closer to him. There’s a knock on one of the stall doors.

“Joshua? Are you in here?”

Joshua’s head snaps up at Jeonghan’s voice calling his name, and he doesn’t know if he should answer or not. Now that he’s calmed down, he’s a bit embarrassed for storming out like that. He decides that it’s for the best, though, and reluctantly unlocks the stall door. Jeonghan is standing by the stall next to his, but he looks straight to Joshua when he hears him.

He takes a step closer to Joshua.

“Are you okay?” he asks, and Joshua realizes that he probably has swollen eyes and dried up tears all over his cheeks. He rushes over to the sink to wash his face and fix his smudged eyeliner, glad he has an excuse not to look at Jeonghan.

Jeonghan follows him over to the sinks. “I brought your bag. You forgot it when you stormed out.”

Joshua blushes in embarrassment at how dramatic he sounds, but thanks Jeonghan as he hands him his bag.

They’re left in an awkward silence, much like the one at Jeonghan’s house. Again, Jeonghan looks like he wants to say something, but once again, nothing comes out.

“I’m fine,” Joshua reassures, and wets his lips, “I just don’t feel that well.”

Jeonghan nods understandingly. “Do you want to go to the nurse? I’ll go with you.”

Joshua declines.

“Do you want me to walk you home?”

Although Joshua has, on many occasions, wanted Jeonghan to walk him home, he denies to that as well.

Jeonghan sighs. “Well, feel better.”

Just as Joshua is about to turn the handle and be out of there, Jeonghan speaks up again.

“Oh! Do you think you’ll be well enough for the party tomorrow?”

Joshua stops for a second. _This is it_ , he thinks. This is his chance at getting out of going to the party. He can just tell Jeonghan that he doesn’t think so, that it’s for the best if he stays home. But one look at Jeonghan’s face, eyes bright and hopeful, bottom lip caught between his teeth, and Joshua nods before he can even remember why he shouldn’t.

“Great! I’m really looking forward to going with you!” Jeonghan’s smile is blinding, and Joshua can’t look away until he’s gone.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The next week, Jeonghan will ask Joshua every day to eat with him, hang out with him during recess or cooperate on tasks. Every day Joshua will try to make half-assed excuses not to but eventually follow along anyway, and then chide himself for being unable to say no to Jeonghan.

Joshua often wonders how Jeonghan can talk to him so easily now. Like it’s something that’s normal. Like he wants them to be friends. Doesn’t he think at all about what he asked of him? Doesn’t he care? Does he think Joshua doesn’t care?

Hansol tells him that he should take advantage of the situation. He says he should use it to get closer to Jeonghan and seduce him. Joshua cringes a bit when he says that, like he’s a sensual Femme Fatale in a Bond movie. Sometimes, Joshua daydreams about walking up to Jeonghan, all confidence and handsomeness. He’ll cage him between himself and the wall, and stare deeply into his eyes. And then he’ll say something cool, like in the movies. Something like “You. Me. Eight o’clock, tonight,” and walk away. And as he walks away, Jeonghan’s knees will be shaking and his face burning.

Of course, that never happens. Every day, Jeonghan will come up to him and talk to him or ask him for something, and every time he leaves, Joshua will be a little bit more heartbroken.

Jeonghan, of course, doesn’t notice. He never notices anything. Sometimes it makes Joshua angry. How Jeonghan can play around with him like he wants, and there’s nothing he can do to stop it. Because he doesn’t want to. It’s illogical, and weird, but no matter how much it hurts him, Joshua can’t deny that being acknowledged and even appreciated by Jeonghan makes him feel so incredibly good.

 

 

 

Hansol frowns when they meet up after school on Friday. His lips press together in a tight line and his eyebrows furrow, creating a crease on his forehead. He tells Joshua that it’s a horrible idea, that he shouldn’t go. And while Joshua wholeheartedly agrees, he can’t get out of his mind the happy look on Jeonghan’s face yesterday when he said he would go.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Saturday, and the party, comes way too soon. While Joshua usually tries not to dread on things in the future, as he thinks no good can come from expecting the worst of something, this time he can’t help it. He really cannot imagine an outcome where this night will end in his favor in any way.

When he picks Jeonghan up at his place at half past nine, because there is no way Joshua shows up there alone, he already reeks of alcohol.

“Are you sure you should go?” Joshua asks when Jeonghan has problems locking the door to his house, his key never finding it’s way to the keyhole.

“Relax, Shua,” Jeonghan says as he manages to slip in the key and twist it, and Joshua finds himself blushing at the nickname. “I just have to get there, and I’ll be out of your hair.”

Joshua lets it go after that, and is relieved to see that Jeonghan can actually walk well enough on his own so that Joshua doesn’t have to support him. He just hopes Jeonghan doesn’t get much drunker during the night. Joshua doesn’t drink, nor has he been much around drunk people, so he doesn’t really know what to do in that situation.

When they walk, Jeonghan is again eerily quiet, like he doesn’t know what to say. It’s still an incredibly strange thing to witness.

“Why aren’t any of your other friends going with you?” he wonders out loud as they’re walking. Jeonghan looks at him.

“Why? Don’t you want to?”

_No._

“It’s not that. I just think that, surely there are someone else you’re closer to, that you would rather go with instead.”

Jeonghan looks back at the road in front of them and purses his lips into a pout. It’s adorable, Joshua thinks, and smiles a little to himself. He takes a moment to admire how nice Jeonghan looks. His short brown hair is fluffier than usual, like he’s dried it with a blow dryer, and the color matches nicely with the light blue sweater he’s wearing. He wonders if Jeonghan has put on makeup, because his skin is nearly unblemished and his lips are rosier than usual. His eyes as well, they’ve always been exceptionally beautiful, but today, somehow, they seem to pop even more than usual.

It takes a while before Jeonghan answers, a while of insufferable silence, silence that Joshua doesn’t even notice, to distracted by how magnificent Jeonghan truly is.

“I want to be your friend, Joshua.”

Joshua startles when Jeonghan speaks up. He says it with a smile, and that makes Joshua so angry.

Joshua is not someone who’s angry a lot. He usually only avoids situations he knows will aggravate him, keeps to what makes him happy. He can count on both hands all the times he’s yelled at someone, even easier how often he’s stayed mad at someone for long.

But now, when Jeonghan’s looking at him with a hopeless smile, telling him he wants to be his friend and acting like it’s _him_ that’s making it hard, Joshua finds he’s really struggling to keep his cool. It’s beyond him, how Jeonghan has the nerve to act this, after _twelve years_ of what he’s put Joshua through.

Joshua feels like screaming, to be totally honest. Scream at Jeonghan, and himself, at anything at all. But he finds that when he looks at Jeonghan and Jeonghan looks back at him, wide eyed and innocent, he can’t bring himself to do anything but sigh at the ground in front of him.

 

 

 

He lost track of Jeonghan the minute they arrived. For all he knows, he’s probably off in some corner, Lee Minhyuk’s tongue so far down his throat he chokes. Joshua chuckles. That’s a fun image.

Lee Minhyuk’s house is crowded. No matter where Joshua goes, he can’t escape what seems like hundreds of teenagers, drunk both on alcohol and the mood. He’s found his sanctuary on a small balcony outside what he guesses is Minhyuk’s parent’s bedroom.

He pulls out his phone to check the time. 11:53. Near midnight. He sighs and leans back against the cold house wall, scolding himself for the n-th time for agreeing to this.

“Are you okay?”

Joshua doesn’t even jump when Jeonghan is suddenly beside him, looking down at him with one of those red party cups in his hand. He doesn’t have to look at him to know that his cheeks are tinged red and his pupils are dilated.

Jeonghan sits down beside him, quite clumsily. He leans in slightly, trying to get a look at Joshua’s face. “Why aren’t inside, having fun?”

Joshua scoots back, away from the stench on Jeonghan’s breath and the heat of his skin. “’More fun out here.”

“How?” Jeonghan’s eyebrows knit together.

Another mass shout sounds from inside, and Jeonghan turns to look. Joshua sighs. “Just go back inside again, Jeonghan.”

It quiets down again, and Jeonghan shakes his head. “No, I want you to come with.”

 “Leave me alone,” Joshua pleads, his head lolling to the side.

“No,” Jeonghan sits down beside him and gives him a stern look. “Look, Joshua, I’ve been trying to connect with you for _weeks_. I’ve been trying to talk to you, spend time with you. I know it was awkward for you after the night at my house, it was for me, too. But I really want to be your friend, and I’m staring to think that you don’t like me at all.”

“ _Jeonghan_. I don’t want to talk to you right now, please just _leave me_ _alone_.”

 “What?” whispers Jeonghan. There’s a slight terror in his voice which Joshua probably would have found comical had there not been tears stinging his eyes. Joshua sighs again.

“You really are a fucking idiot.”

But Jeonghan doesn’t hear what he says, simply tilts his head and blinks. Joshua realizes in that moment that Jeonghan is just that: a fucking idiot.

“What was that, Shua?”

Joshua visibly cringes at Jeonghan’s nickname for him, and turns away to look out at the forest once again. Jeonghan doesn’t let up; in fact, he presses on, moving closer to Joshua and trying to look him in the eyes. It makes so that Joshua can clearly smell Jeonghan’s scent, and for a moment he closes his eyes and lets himself relish in it.

“I don’t like you, Jeonghan,” he states, and although he can’t see it, he knows Jeonghan is frowning next to him.

“W-what?”

Joshua opens his eyes and he’s right. Jeonghan’s frowning, and he’s way closer than Joshua thought he was. Jeonghan’s pretty, black rimmed eyes are opened wide in disbelief. It makes Joshua laugh, almost; it’s not impossible that no one’s ever told Jeonghan that before.

“I don’t like you,” he says again, leaning just a little bit closer, “You’re oblivious to everything around you. You’re selfish. Always thinking only about yourself. Never taking anyone else’s feelings into consideration at all.”

Jeonghan’s jaw clenches and his eyebrows furrow further.

“You have it so easy, don’t you?”

Joshua chuckles. They’re so close now, only a single breath of air separating their faces. Jeonghan opens his mouth, lip quivering, like he’s going to say something. Nothing comes out, though. The music is still booming inside, and the muted bass of it matches up perfectly to the crazy beating of his heart.

He can’t think as he kisses Jeonghan for what is probably the tenth time in his life, but feels like the first. This time, their lips barely touch, no more than a slight brush against each other. But despite the dullness of it, despite the fact that it is still nowhere near what Joshua has always imagined, he knows that he will definitely treasure this kiss more than all the others combined. Because this kiss, as light and bittersweet as it is on Lee Minhyuk’s balcony, feels more real than any other kiss Joshua has ever had.

“I don’t like you,” Joshua says, for the third time, “But I am in love with you.”

Jeonghan is speechless. His bottom lip is trembling and his mouth is opening and closing, like he’s trying to say something, but nothing will come out. Joshua understands; what would he say in response to that.

It’s quiet between them for what feels like hours. Neither of them move, neither say anything. It’s probably best that way, Joshua decides. There is nothing really to talk about, anymore.

He doesn’t cast a glance at Jeonghan as he stands up to leave Lee Minhyuk’s party. He doesn’t wish to stay with him. He doesn’t expect how he will behave to him in the future. Joshua decides in that moment to do his best to get over Jeonghan. He decides that he will never wish for, follow or please Jeonghan ever again.

But, of course. Joshua doesn’t take into consideration how irresistible Yoon Jeonghan is.


End file.
